today was my last day of clinicals for this sem. i made it through these last three weeks...i don't know how...but i made it through. this particular week was the hardest for me - it was REAL this week. REAL and RAW. i saw some pretty crazy things. pretty damn crazy things. and met some pretty crazy people. (for the first time i met a pimp. my first trans. a coke addict...what did i expect, it was a psyc rotation).  but i also met some really wonderful people and staff that admittedly i would probably have never come across before - in my life. it was heart wrenching in the beginning of the week, scary, i was nervous, hesitant (and it showed)...but now that its over i am still processing...still processing...i expressed to my onsite clinical intructor - "i wish there was something more i can do for everyone". she replied "just you being here...being present with them is more than you know."

i think i understood that.

my treatment plan went well with sylvia.
my CI and i had a good talk in the conference room and i think i really got a good understanding of what the purpose of this setting was...which i don't think is easily understood by many. i also really connected with the lead nurse tim, fantastic, unique one-of-a-kind, kind man. it was hard to believe he was 50 as he moved and looked like a 30 year old. it devastated me to learn he was diagnosed with ms, he explained to me what it is like, but his attitude was so...freaking awesome. he kept going, pushing, being there for everyone his family, the staff with such humor and grace and humor...i pray that he takes care of himself - for he is good people. good people. i really would like to stay in touch with him outside of my studies as he is just an amazing person.

the volunteers were genuine, really involved and committed. ronnie and i salute everyone. they are all professionals.

it was hard to imagine that there could be laughs, camraderie, support and lightheartedness at first when you think of that house.  that is the dichotomy of it all. its part of the package. for one week i was a part of it...and i'm still spinning and dumbfounded. it was not an easy setting, it challenged me emotionally and spiritually, but i learned so much in this one week - not necessarily about my field. but about people. about being REAL. about the finality of life. about reconciliation. about being there. about grace. about love. about forgiveness. about acceptance. about getting over the stigmas that we all have and really seeing, being, there for that person. and still, i do not understand it all. that is the mystery of life.

it is amazing what we can do as a community when we rally together...if we could only apply this on a much bigger scale...how different the world would be.

i was grateful to be able to express and share these experiences with ronnie this afternoon as he knew what i had experienced if only a week before. we were touched and laughed at the craziness of our experiences. we are all bonded by what we experienced in our separate weeks.  ronnie is right though...it changes you. you look at things differently.

although i did one more day and one more hour than everyone and although we resume normal class next week - and i am exhaused, - it was worth it. i am still processing what i've experienced - but i am forever touched.  i do not want to let sylvia down, so i want to return and do something for her.  just have to think of what...